Ah, Newt Gingrich. Where to start with this guy. His infidelity? His douche bag name? His general being a lying, insensitive prick? Maybe the fact that he looks like a tall infant.
Let’s start with the whole sticking it to some chick that wasn’t his wife. So he was getting hot and heavy while he was married. But the woman he was doing the dance without pants with wasn’t his wife. Whoops. That’s right; he was hiding the old bishop in the wrong church.
By the way, it turns out that they got a divorce about the time Wife Number One found out she had cancer. He even gave her the divorce papers while she was in the hospital. Allegedly Newt was sensitive enough to tell his campaign treasurer "She's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer." Ahhhh, how nice of him. He says that this was a fabrication.
Six months after that divorce Newty marries his second wife. And again like a bad horror movie the same thing happened. Newt began humping a House of Representatives staffer. After a while he told his wife about the affair and then (according to his now 2nd ex-wife) asked her for an open marriage. Got that one backwards old boy.
According to him this thing about the open marriage is also made up. Geez, lots of people making stuff up about him. And of course the internet conservatives started to call her a lying ex-wife. Because of course all exs are fucking liars. But this “lie” is so original that it has to be true. Either she’s a great storyteller or it’s the truth. Anyway that was the end of Mrs. Gingrich number two.
Oh, and they got a divorce a year after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Jesus he tends to leave them waaaay worse than he finds them.
Interesting fact: The new woman he was now tossing it in, that wasn’t his wife, was 23 years younger than he was.
He married the staffer he was doing the horizontal bop with. For a guy with “family values” he sure seems to have a problem keeping Little Newt to go along with the program.
Now onto his name. Ever seen Lonesome Dove? No. Well, here’s a character from the series named Newt.
Goofy little fella. This is what I have to think of every time I hear “Newt”. We can’t have a fucking president named fucking Newt!
Oh, he also says the reason he resigned as Speaker of the House because he felt some things that went wrong were his fault and he didn’t deserve the seat. This is all true if when he says that he means he was brought up on ethics charges and was fined $300,000 and people fucking hated him for going after President Bill Clinton. By the way this was the first time in history that the Speaker of the House was brought up on ethics charges.
He also seems to want to take credit for 4 years of budget surplus even though he was only Speaker of the House for 2 years of a budget surplus so fuck him.
In closing I’d like to point out one more thing. When asked what he’d do about America’s enemies he quoted Andrew Jackson, saying he’d kill them. Huh? First that’s psychotic. No diplomacy? No talking? Just kill them? Shit, we could do that ourselves, why the fuck are we paying you to do it? Second, Andrew Jackson was a psycho who displaced American Indians even more than they already were, dueled on the fucking White House lawn, beat people with his fucking walking stick, and near the end he’d stated that he’d wished he’d killed more people, one of them being John Calhoun, his own Vice President.
Not the best person for a modern president to look up to in my opinion.
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